My Desire to Birth a Child

My one dream has always been to be married and have kids. I mean, I have a lot of goals, but my one dream has always been to be married to birth kids.  I have accomplished pretty much all of my goals but have never achieved that dream.   So now I’m in a place where I’m not married. I have wonderful kids, but I’ve never birthed a child, and I do want to experience that.

I’m in a place where I’m 36, which isn’t old from many perspectives, except for when it comes to having kids. Especially if you do not want to have kids in your 40s, which I don’t.  So, I decided to visit a fertility doctor and just kind of talk about the options that I have. I had my appointment today. We went over the different options, which are IUI (intrauterine insemination, where they inject sperm directly into your uterus) IVF ( in vitro fertilization where they fertilize the egg and sperm outside of your body and then implant the embryo into your uterus),  freezing eggs and freezing embryos. So those are my options.

I don’t know if I want to go through birth by myself,  I also don’t know if I want to give up the chance to go through pregnancy even if by myself.

I’m 36, and I have no plans of being one of those people that have kids in their 40s. (Nothing wrong with it. I have no desire to do it ). So really, there’s no point in freezing eggs or embryos if I don’t want to consider having children in my 40s. So that leaves me with IVF or IUI. I’ve never been pregnant, and I don’t have any known issues with fertility (though I will be getting a necessary workup as part of the process, should I continue), but that leaves me a couple of years to decide what I’m going to do.  So yeah, I’m leaving that appointment, and I have so many feelings right now.

I’m a single mom by choice. I don’t know if  I want to be a single mom by choice again. I don’t know if I want to go through pregnancy by myself. I don’t know if I want to go through birth by myself,  I also don’t know if I want to give up the chance to go through pregnancy even if by myself. This is a hard one to consider. I have no inspiring speeches to give you, but I know I’m not the only one here. It’s a lot of feelings. A LOT OF FEELINGS. And sometimes in my pity party, I don’t understand how the only one thing I’ve ever wanted is the only thing I’ve never gotten. And of course, I don’t think it’s fair, but no one going through this feels it is fair.  And I’m not more deserving than anybody else. I know that, and  I get that.

I’m not sure how this will turn out

But I know I’m not alone

I have no idea how this is going to end up looking. But I know somebody is feeling this same way right now. Somebody else has gone through this. All I can say is it sucks, and we can be upset.  We can be sad. We can cry.

We have the right to feel our feelings. That’s it. That’s my message for today. We have unhappy days, and that is ok. Let yourself feel your emotions fully before making any decisions. I hope this helps someone. 

P
LAST WORDS FROM LOUCRESIE

I have no inspiring speeches to give you, but I know I’m not the only one here. It’s a lot of feelings. A LOT OF FEELINGS.

1 thought on “My Desire to Birth a Child”

  1. Go for it! SMC here. Sure I questioned the decision at the time. And even when my babies were little. But the decision to become a SMC is by far the best decision I have made. I don’t regret it at all!

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